Morraha (morraha) wrote,

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Coming Undone.

Today is a breakdown day for me. They don't happen often, and when they do I can't stand them. Usually the depression is accompanied by anger. Especially when as on days like this most of my issues stem merely from my hormones going all crazy.

When I KNOW that there is nothing really wrong beyond the normal stresses of living. When I KNOW that life is not really terrible and sad and difficult right now. When I KNOW that everything I am feeling is simply being blown out of proportion because the chemicals in my brain are on a regularly scheduled (Dr's orders) freak-out thanks to the hormone pills I take. Well then, then I get mad because I can't get myself to move past it and accept events rationally. I start to cry over something small and then I get angry, and try to stop. And I can't, which makes me more upset, and I start to feel like I'm temporarily crazy. My mind is sane and my emotions are not. I am losing control of myself and it scares me.

I remind myself that this is "natural" in a sense. A woman's hormones shift, and for a while she just feels crazy. And for a little while that helps me to sort myself out and maintain equilibrium. Until the next thing happens, like.... I was frazzled and jumped out of the car without grabbing the gym bag or kissing my boyfriend goodbye. The gym bag is not really a big deal, the lack of goodbye kiss sucks and I feel bad for not giving him the attention he deserves. (plus a kiss would really have been nice.) But it's nothing to cry about and be miserable over.... Yet there go the waterworks all over again.

I never had problems like this when I was younger, and I wondered why some women felt like they couldn't even get out of bed. I get it now ladies, you're not going crazy it just feels that way and staying in bed where you can be calm and behave is soooo much nicer and better than trying to get through a day of interaction while feeling like you can't even function.

On top of the inner insanity, life decided to actually dump extra drama into the mix as well. So now there really isn't capacity to cope. Ugh! Just two more days after this. Two more days til normality..... I can make it.
Tags: anger, angst, anxiety, confusion, crazy, depression, emotions
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